Letting Go of 2020 with a Loving Reflection
Clearing space for 2020
2020, thank you and fuck you. I didn’t want to say it but I felt false in only giving thanks. It was a lot. It was heavy and hard and complex and there were lots of fucks yelled. So in my most authentic self, without that inner critic coming in to say that’s not spiritual or kind, fuck you 2020. And yet thank you from the bottom of my heart. I received a lot that I wanted nothing to do with yet needed deeply to evolve.
Below is the free write that dripped out when asked what happened in 2020 for you.
In 2020 I…
Learned a lot. I watched a lot of sunsets. Felt a lot for others. I thought I was going forwards between piling on yoga teacher training, fundraising for a charity, training for a marathon, signing up for a women’s priestess course, taking on a job at a cafe all the while trying to finish senior year of college. And yet I was forcing. I rushed over honoring the balance between being and becoming and got attached to becoming and that’s when the forcing came bulldozing through. In this force, I came to repeat and reaffirm lessons of worth, rest, nourishment and love for myself. I forgot that at my core I do believe all that I will become will happen in its time and in the meantime, I am here now for me, honoring my needs. Capable of loving myself as I am and all my imperfections. I remembered I am capable of being here now and listening to my intuition rather than the world’s demands and “shoulds”. I came into a more intuitive balance with fitness and food. I ate ice cream when I wanted without shame for not being totally vegan. I took days to lay on couches rather than obsessing over the checkbox of “workout”. I learned, unlearned and relearned how to get strong in my body without attaching myself to checking the appeal in the mirror. I looked in the mirror and connected deeply with my heart and sent a lotta love to the thoughts shaming the parts that didn’t look quite “right”. I marvelled at pull ups. I cried while running. I cried in my car. I broke out of black and white boxes that I thought I broke out of years ago but really just disguised them under the ego’s cloak of “spirituality”. I apologized to Tom for the ego I embodied so deeply when I met him. I forgave myself for not knowing I was performing. I let go of guruism and trusted my own inner teacher. I showed up for therapy each week even when the whole session was tears. I witnessed how much my home environment impacts me and how deeply my 23 year old self struggles to still live amongst my parents. And yet, I came to accept my family in a way I never have after months on end with them. I basked in simplicity. I spent hours barefoot outside. I grew a zucchini the size of my arm. I began talking to my dogs… a lot. I got back to nature and felt The Mother. I made poetry out of what felt like was an apocalypse at first. I became closer to Tom. I taught my family how to use less plastic. I realized how fucked the beauty industry is. I got rid of toxic products. I fell out of love with yoga and then in love with yoga. I felt like I could live at my house baking, writing, puzzling, walking and gardening forever. And I felt like I couldn’t live in my house for one more second. I allowed feelings to coexist. Darkness and light. Joy and deep grief. I bowed to the BLM movement and learned how ignorant I have been. I bowed to the black leaders that took up space and showed a better way. I felt lots of hope that systemic racism and marginalized communities in our country would be encouraged to take up space and that those of us with privilege would do the work to help dismantle these crippling systems. I felt so discouraged by the polarization that came at points. I didn’t sleep during an election for the first time (privilege). I exercised my idea muscle more and loved the place it took in my day to day. I asked more questions and wasn’t ashamed. I asked for help and asked others how I could help. I prioritized sleep hygiene as a whole and adored sleep. I had nightmares resurface. I orgasmed. I thought a lot about money and began healing my mindset around it. I am abundant. Money is a tool to amplify my vibration and values. Money is not bad with loving intentions. I embraced old friends. I made no new friends. I asked to be read stories aloud before I slept. I smoked weed for the first time in a long time and felt present and not like I was numbing. I advocated for myself. I shrunk in the presence of others to please them and learned yet again how awful that feels. I picked myself up and tried again. I started a corporate job and quit after six weeks. Hallelujah. I sent a lot of long texts to pals. I missed hugging pals. I admired Rich Roll, Robin Arzon and Tara Brach’s words with deep reverence. I gifted Tom the Alchemist. I fell in love watching Glennon Doyle’s book Untamed pass from me to Maya to Emma with so much resonance. I write I can do hard things a lot now. I believe we can do hard things. I was challenged to be a better white ally especially by the wise Susanna Bakarti’s words. I journaled and meditated morning after morning. I pulled Tarot cards a lot. I pulled the same Tarot card over and over addressing my throat chakra and expression being limited by my fear. It resonated, so here I am, gathering courage to listen to my heart over fear and letting the words spill out. I road tripped the west coast with my love. I slept in a van for four weeks and showered with a water bottle behind the van for weeks. I came to know my spirit outside my family again in California. I dreamt of my future a lot. I listened to Fallingwater by Maggie Rogers every morning for three months. I sang Together by Ziggy Alberts as I drove in a BLM highway protest and cried the whole way. I had dreams of the world sitting together along the coasts of all the continents in silence with a candle and letting Trevor Hall place a song down to all of us through the clouds. I read a lot of books. I adored being underwater and the mask of silence it held. I was sober for most of the year for the third year in a row. I turned my shower on cold for the last two minutes a lot and breathed like a Hoff fan girl. I felt lit up baking goodies for people. I thought a lot about regenerative agriculture. My life felt backwards but I just needed to relearn old lessons that I had not mastered. I asked people what they were grateful for at my dinner table quite a lot. I painted some rocks and left them on mountains hoping the person who needed it would get it. I fell in love with making up stories about lobstermen as I gazed at the harbor a lot during lockdown. I learned to be kinder to myself and others. I broke over and over. And I gathered myself and allowed myself to open my heart again. I grew flowers from all the growing pains. I am proud of you, of me of us. Thank you 2020, I needed you even when all I had to offer you was a fuck you. I hope we can all choose love over fear as we walk into 2021 and lend ourselves compassion when we don’t.
